If You Loved Me You Would Know

Posted on August 3, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: |

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” ~ Anthony Robbins

Sometimes in relationships we say, “If you loved me, you would know!”  This is based on the belief that if someone really loves us, they will anticipate our every need. It is also based on the belief that it is that person’s responsibility to keep us happy.
Unfortunately, neither of those beliefs is true. There are many ways to feel love, and more ways to express it. To suggest to a partner that because he/she did not do what we expected, that proves they do not love us, is faulty logic, but extremely hurtful as well.
This may all go back to childhood. When we received a treat, or our parents did something special for us, we may have felt special and very much loved. These things made us happy. The inner child may yearn for that special feeling and look to the adult partner to provide it.
It is a parent’s job to anticipate the need of their child, as well as to nurture them, validate them, show affection to them and make them feel special. If we are constantly looking for these things in relationship, we need to do some work on our own inner child issues.
This is not to say that healthy adults do not need to nurture one another, show affection and value one another. It is just that in mature adult relationships we do not need this all the time, nor do we make the partner feel guilty if it is not there when we need it.
What we do instead is to let our partner know what we need, and how that need could be met. “I’m feeling kind of sad and could really use a hug,”  or “We’ve both been so busy lately, I’d really like to plan an evening for just the two of us.”
When you think about it, it makes so much more sense to simply ask for what we need, rather than to be angry and resentful because our partner is not a mind-reader.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning Psychotherapist.  For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books or cds, visit http://www.gwen.ca

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